Yesterday I wrote about the importance of answering the question “Do I Care?” in a mentoring relationship.  Once I pass the question of whether or not I care, it is now important to acknowledge whether I believe in you or not.

I am critical by nature and tend to see the gaps in performance.  It is easy for me to identify opportunities for improvement in the performance of others.  The same goes for myself.  I apply the same high standards for my own achievements.  With this outlook, when coaching, it becomes all too easy for me to think negative thoughts.  I can easily state “this needs to be improved.”  The risk is when I leave it there.  If I only see the gap and the downside, it makes the upside much harder to identify even when it happens.

I have left way too many coaching conversations thinking to myself “we will see if they can make it.”

A shift to believing the person will achieve the higher level of performance makes all the difference.  It totally changes my outlook.  It totally changes my tone in the conversation.  I think it even changes the nature of the follow up conversation.

If I believe personally that I can do something, I approach trial and outcome much differently than if I am unsure.  If I am confident, trial and success becomes an affirmation of my ability.  If I am confident, trial and failure becomes a learning experience for the next trial that will lead me closer to success.  When I am unsure, trial and success may just be luck.  Trial and failure becomes confirmation of my lack of skill, which leads to no further attempts.

The same applies when I am coaching.  If I believe in the person, their success is affirmation of their development.  Their trial and failure leads to further conversation about how we try something new or again.  If I do not believe in their success, their failure becomes judgment.

The best correlation I can think of would be with my children.  They are small (6 & 4) and I am persistently optimistic about their personal development.  No matter if this is with skills like writing, reading, math, etc or with character and maturity.  My wife and I care very much how they develop, sincerely desire the best for them and believe in them as individuals.  As such, we constantly discuss their development and betterment.  What issues they may be facing, how we support them or what we as parents may do differently to serve as better guides.

While employment relationships are much different than family relationships in many ways, the point is well illustrated through the family lens.  Unfortunately we have all seen parents who no longer believe in their children and it fundamentally changes the way they parent.  I cannot pretend to understand all the reasons this may occur nor can I pass judgment on those situations, but can identify the obvious difference in the parenting styles.

Ultimately, I want to be a mentor and coach that believes in my team.  I also want to make sure my coaching reflects that belief and not only the passing of judgment.  At the point where I can no longer definitively state that I believe in an individual, something must change, either in me or the situation.